Am I hallucinating or is it PTSD?
I see his figure in the doorway.
It has been years since the incidences
They tell me he has changed.
Why do I still see his face and feel the fear?
I am free of his hold
I have forgiven
Again
Again
And again
The again’s are never-ending
I have been told that I was not really abused. That I am crazy and hormonal. In one instance when I was expected to die from stage 4 Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma in July 2015, there was a group of my family members talking about this. One person said that it was “karma” and there was laughter. The laughter that I was going to die, that I would lose my hair, laughter that I would feel deaths breath on my face. I have been told there was only one child who stood up for me and said,” guys, this is our mom. “ I have heard about the incidence on more than on occasion. These people were my people, some are my flesh and blood, I love them as only a mother can. To be honest, after my mother died, then a hideous divorce, then Tex died his Sr. year of Highschool, then cancer, and to top it off after hearing about this conversation, I considered ending my life. I had it planned, by the grace of God I did not follow through. I have found that there is life after 50.
It is work living on this earth. Satan had me believe that I didn’t matter and that my children didn’t need me. He had me convinced that I would never be enough. It haunts me, this conversation of the ones who once loved me and some who still do, laughing at my misfortune. It shreds my heart and only the Savior and comforter can heal it. The cancer is gone and the pieces of my heart are slowly healing.
I reflect on the 10 commandments and the reality of them. If only the world would follow these commandments it would be a kinder place.
1. I AM THE LORD THY GOD: THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME.
COMMANDS: faith, hope, love, and worship of God; reverence for
holy things; prayer.
FORBIDS: idolatry; superstition; spiritism; tempting God; sacrilege; attendance
at false worship.
2. THOU SHALL NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN.
COMMANDS: reverence in speaking about God and holy things; the
keeping of oaths and vows.
FORBIDS: blasphemy; the irreverent use of God’s name; speaking disrespectfully
of holy things; false oaths and the breaking of vows.
3. KEEP THE SABBATH HOLY.
COMMANDS: going to church on Sundays and holy days of obligation.
FORBIDS: missing church through one’s own fault; unnecessary servile work on
Sunday and holy days of obligation
4. HONOUR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER.
COMMANDS: love; respect;
obedience on the part of children; care on the part of parents for the
spiritual and temporal welfare of their children; obedience to civil and
religious superiors.
FORBIDS: hatred of parents and superiors; disrespect; disobedience.
See the ten commandments here https://bit.ly/3405nFi
And so I forgive,
Again
And again
The again’s are never-ending.
No one knows or can understand the hallucinations or PTSD. No one but me.
I will forgive
Again
And again
The again’s never-ending.
And that is life.
Again and again
Priesthood Power by Thomas S. Monson https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2011/04/priesthood-power?lang=eng
This talk gives me comfort, PTSD and faith to feel the fear and do it anyway. Here is a clip that speaks to my heart.
The vast majority of requests for cancellations of sealings come from women who tried desperately to make a go of the marriage but who, in the final analysis, could not overcome the problems.
Choose a companion carefully and prayerfully; and when you are married, be fiercely loyal one to another. Priceless advice comes from a small framed plaque I once saw in the home of an uncle and aunt. It read, “Choose your love; love your choice.” There is great wisdom in those few words. Commitment in marriage is absolutely essential.
Your wife is your equal. In marriage, neither partner is superior nor inferior to the other. You walk side by side as a son and a daughter of God. She is not to be demeaned or insulted but should be respected and loved. Said President Gordon B. Hinckley: “Any man in this Church who … exercises unrighteous dominion over [his wife] is unworthy to hold the priesthood. Though he may have been ordained, the heavens will withdraw, the Spirit of the Lord will be grieved, and it will be amen to the authority of the priesthood of that man.”8
President Howard W. Hunter said this about marriage: “Being happily and successfully married is generally not so much a matter of marrying the right person as it is being the right person.” I like that. “The conscious effort to do one’s part fully is the greatest element contributing to success.”9
My eternal companion Jim Sevy is truly the love of my life. He is forgiving and has an unconditional love for me. He shows me what being the “right person” is all about. He knows I am a little crazy and loves me anyway. He helps me become,” the right person. “Because of him and his example,
I will forgive
Again
And again.
Because of him, I will love
Again
And again.
Because of him
I live and because I live…I live.
Whatever you are going through, it is you who will go through it. No one can minimize what happened. https://www.etsy.com/listing/714171271/because-of-what-happened-affirmation
The only answer is love. I love you, Carol.