On the outside to many, I look like the out happy girl, that is what I am known for. At times, underneath the smile is trauma and tears. I have learned to cry and smile at the same time. This is my coping mechanism. I don’t want to make others uncomfortable or feel sorry for me. When I am grouchy or sad and share these feelings with someone, I feel horrible afterward! My greatest wish is to share sunshine with everyone I meet. How can I do that if I am sad and unhappy? My practice is to get control of my feelings and deal with them, then go change the world.
My greatest nightmare as a child was that my mom would die. She did. I was an adult with 5 children, but it was still devastating. She was my greatest cheerleader. I want to climb in the casket with her. I had put on a happy face and now she knew my marriage was a deep disaster and horrific. She now knew all from her soft white seat in heaven.
For Grieving Mothers
by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
I am not a stranger to death and had witnessed grandmothers and grandfathers that had passed away, but this time it was my mom. Within a few years the inevitable happened, my marriage of almost 25 years dissolved. I was a single mom with 3 children living at home, two newly married children and one grandchild.
After months of dating, I looked up into the heavens and said Heavenly Father, I’m not sure if I want to get married again. I’m sick of this dating life. Help me launch a career that can support me and my children. If that is thy will I am good with this. Please take away a desire to have a companion, you know that motherhood is my greatest desire, if you need me to bless other children’s lives, I know how to do that.” It happened, I married my neighbor with 9 children. Heavenly Father had a plan for me. I still had the motherly instincts and these children needed me. A blended family has been one of the greatest challenges and joys all-in-one. It’s difficult and that is for another story.
4 years after my 2nd marriage the worst thing happened my 18-year-old son came down with influenza. It was near Christmas time and I was not given the opportunity to help him. He was living with his dad and then he died. Without a goodbye, hug and a kiss.
Losing a child is the hardest thing I ever went through in my entire life. The trauma of this experience did something to my brain and heart. The scars will forever be there.
Today my beautiful son Tex would be 25 years old. It is been 7 years and I miss him every day. To mom and feels like it will the moment ago.
The best thing I can do in his memory is live and because I live I will live.
“The death of a child may be considered the worst trauma that a human being can experience.”
“The death of a child is considered the single worst stressor a person can go through,” says Deborah Carr, chair of the sociology department at Boston University. “Parents and fathers specifically feel responsible for the child’s well-being. And they’re not just losing a person they loved. They’re also losing the years of promise they had looked forward to.”
“A parent who grieves without any type of serious complications, such as suicidal thoughts or self-harm behaviors, would be the best-case scenario,” says Dr. Kirsten Fuller, a physician and clinical writer for the Center of Discovery treatment centers. “Worst-case scenarios would be experiencing suicidal tendencies, psychosis or developing a mental health disorder or an eating disorder.”
As I read this article I didn’t feel so alone. I have had similar thoughts and feelings. I cannot say that the hurt is less because of 7 years passing. I want to through myself on the bed and cry my eyes out. Maybe I did. But I have to keep moving one step at a time. I welcome death when it is my time. I look forward to seeing my mom and my son. I look forward to being with all of my friends and family member who have gone on before me.
I do what I can. Because I live I will live. I am going to college and as I learn more about parenting, I can do my best with the children that I do have contact with. The young adults that are home and my grandchildren. I can give it to the children in my primary class. I did my best the first time around with my 5 children, the second time around with a blended family and now as a grandparent. I am learning to forgive myself for past mistakes and continue to improve each shining moment.