Remembering Tex’s on his 21st Birthday

In May of 2008 Jim and I blended this family of 14 children. It hasn’t been all roses, but it has been for the good of all. Whether any of the children want to admit it or not, the parents have been able to heal and learned to love unconditionally. Jim and I have found love we didn’t know existed and we are married for time and all eternity. We both know that Happily ever after is after this life.

But this is about Tex. The day a little of my heart broke off was the day he sat me down on our front steps and told me he was moving in with his dad. How can anyone take care of a son better than a mother. He was 17 and all grown up. But a peace of my heart tore off and went down the road with that sweet boy and all his belongings in his dads horse trailer. I  never understood or completely healed from this incident, he was taken from this earth just after his 18th birthday, and I was not allowed to talk care of my baby and he died with his dad.

Many people have broken my heart many times since then. I am now  learning that broken hearts heal. Not necessarily with time, but with conscious effort to forgive and let go. Let other people live their life and love them no matter what. Also to love every chance you get. I have rehearsed this scriptures for years and it still rings true.  

These feelings are working out in time and I have had long hard thoughts about death. I was consumed with the thoughts of my relatives on the other side. I was thinking about my family that is passed on more than the ones here. At one time I planned my own death, the time and how. When the time came, I just didn’t do it. I just didn’t.

Then my grandmother was preparing for death. I wanted to be there with her when she died and wanted her to take me with her for just a while, to see my mom and son to get some questions answered.

As the family was making arrangements for taking care of her, she told them the I didn’t have time to take of her and my big family, so I wasn’t there when she died and I believe she had a sense and didn’t want me there. She knew I was scheming on how to go with her.

In May 2015 I was still struggling with some depression and you can see in this poem I wrote.

Mothers Day

Missing my mom, grandmother and my son.
Feeling betrayed and unloved.
It will not let it get to the best of me,
I walk.
I came across a field that was recently plowed.
Thick rich dirt, My body longed to laid in it and start to build a snow angel and bury myself deep inside the earth, I would swim to my son, mom and grandmothers.

But then I felt like a crazy girl, what the heck?
They are not there, not in the earth, they have their arms around me,
holding me up,
pushing me forward,
I need to have faith and weak things will become strong.

 When I was diagnosed with cancer I felt that it was my choice to live or die. I was able to make this decision and my choice was to live. I had a very vivid dream about Tex and my mom. I was being operated on and I flat lined. I was with Tex and my Mother and we were talking 100 miles and hour.  It as so wonderful to have questions answered and unconditional love. Tex put his big strong arm around me and said,” Mom you have to go back” I looked up into his big blue eyes and said,”If I go back I really want to be able to do fun stuff” He gave me a squeeze a chuckle and said,”It doesn’t matter, you need to go back” and I said,”But I wanna do fun stuff”  So here I am, I am here to do fun stuff. I have a daughter who calls me daily, dresses me in the finest clothing,  adores me and we do fun stuff!  I have chosen to live. I have a lot to look forward to and a lot more things to do. So to honor my son on his birthday, I Choose Happiness!

I can honestly say Tex loves, he loves everyone he comes in contact with. If you love him or me, he loves you. Here are some thoughts I have had that I think Tex is thinking about  some of you.

“Hey, I know it’s been awhile since seminary graduation. But I’d just like to let everyone know that this is the group from our graduating class that had their calls at the time of graduation. And I would like to say, Tex, you are in this group with us! I know it! You were standing there, right in the middle of all of us, smiling huge! And bragging that you’d already started your mission! Man, I miss you Tex! Hope your mission is going awesome!”

Robert Chase Bolinder  July 22, 2013 · Basalt, ID

Tex loves you guys! He loves missionary work, family,  friends and the fiddle. I know how much he loves his friends, he is by your side more times than you know!

“I never know what to say or how to say it, but what I just found out is that it’s really hard to type through these tears that are running down my face! It feels so long since I’ve seen you but trust me I know you’re there . Because you were always there when you were needed ! If you were here we probably would be hunting ! I still remember helping u shoot your first deer and the troubles we had getting it home! Memories with u I will always hold dear because even though they seemed meaningless at the time they are what Carry me through times like these! I miss you so much Tex thank you for the inspiration and the things you taught me because I know this earth would have really sucked without you!! Love you and Happy Birthday Cowboy! You will never be forgotten.”

Jud Elkington – October 25, 2013

Jud you are a good example to the people you touch. You are a good big brother, good younger brother, a wonderful son and a handsome, good husband. Tex is by your side and is so happy for  your exciting, fun life and beautiful wife!

We all called you Pete and Repete, it is odd not seeing Tex in the background, but I do see some white coming through the trees behind you so maybe your little brother is closer than we think.

Austin, Tex has your back! He loves missionary work and when you need him he be by your side. That is what friends are for! I am proud of you and so is he. 10-25-15

“These times are so hard. But they do show us how fragile life is and how important it is that we make the most of all we do. Tex did. He loved life. You knew he was glad to be there when he showed up at in Jackson ready to head up the canyon for the show, talking and laughing with the crew he saw. And what a talent. He could burn it up and the crowd loved him. We can’t forget what he gave to us, his friendship pure and simple. I am glad I had the chance to know Tex. I hear he had plans of a mission, of reaching out to others, giving of himself. He got his call.”

– Patricia Murdock Schiess‎ – December 21, 2012·

I remember how badly Tex wanted the job at Bar-t-5. I have to admit that he took the easy route on the fiddle many times. He wasn’t the easiest child to practice with, to find when it was time to go to lessons, or get him to really dedicate himself. But when he saw the gig at the Bart-T-5 he knew that is where he belonged. He practiced and when that kid dedicated himself to something, by darn he was good. He would ask me over and over if I thought he would get the job. I encouraged him and knew that he would have to work hard. He worked hard and he loved every second at that Bar-T-5. It was his 2nd family.