I didn’t die from cancer, whats next?

When I think of an almost death situation, I think that it would change someone so dramatically that they would never be the same. This is true. But after chemo and radiation and facing death, right in your face several times, how does it change you?

I can only talk for myself.

When I first found out that I was facing cancer my first instinct was to quietly go through this experience, not tell anyone, and live my life normally. Hide out and quietly do this alone. I am pretty sure I would have died if I would have done this. Because:

• I was so sick I didn’t care if I died. So no one would have known when I needed help.
• I could look pretty normal for an hour at a time. So if I showed my face, with make-up, a wig, and a smile. People would probably not notice.
• If it wasn’t for people who were aware that I needed help I would have missed out on a sweet friend, laying by me on my bedside, asking questions and finding something that tasted good, and bringing it to me.
• My sweet husband is the best. He works far and beyond any good man. I need to remember he  is a man, he is one, he could not be everywhere. He works, takes care of kids, and most important took care of me when I was facing life threatening cancer. I was in no position to make decisions for myself. He was assertive and made important life saving decisions.
• I couldn’t remember to take all my medicine and when I was supposed to take them. My daughter made a cute chart for me of the times and what medication. This helped me get on top of the nausea.
• I let the world into my life, and I was blessed beyond measure. My community brought in meals for months. My family was fed. If food was put in front of me, I would eat. If I had to fix it, I would not eat or not eat well.

If you are going through cancer or any illness, I ask you to let people serve you. It is not only for you, but for them. It will bless the lives of many.

Now for after you are cancer free:

I have dreams, big dreams, I want to live, because I live.

Everyone is different and I believe that I am one of the healthy ones, but life is surprisingly difficult after you are on the way back to health.

I feel like I have aged. I still have leg aches in my bones. I am on antibiotics more than I ever have before. I got a cold sore and it turned into staph infection. Steroids, antibiotic shots, all make a girl sore, and not herself.  I want to do fun stuff! My body says no, sometimes. My hair is back, my energy is back…sometimes. My stomach doesn’t react to food as well. I really like to drink more than eat at times. My finger sticks in a bent position and it hurts, my thumb joint is painful and wakes me up at night. I have trouble sleeping. My back is so sore at times, and then just fine. Unusual illness come and go.

This is  my recovery story. Everyone is different. But I just want you to know that cancer recovery is different for everyone. For me I haven’t been able to jump right back into life. I am really sad at times. I fight depression. My body gets tired, extremely tired.

I work on being happy every day. I want to give you hope for the future. When you are doing your best it is enough. Love yourself enough to let others in. We can do this together, we can be happier by helping others be happy.

When I feel unloved,

unwanted,

I remember it is smoke screen,

for I know full well,

I have not loved enough

-Reid

I use to think this was all about loving others, but it is also about loving yourself enough to  let others love you.