Choices

 Today I wanted to go to one of my favorite stores for Black Friday and get some paint for a project. I could get it for half price and was looking forward to my husband coming home so we could spend a little time together and get my paint.  But he had a hard day at work, the kids all needed something, and then after dinner everyone got up and cleaned their dish off and left the room. I sat there, tired, worn out and dishes needed to be done. I was disappointed by the time I got things cleaned up the store was closed.

I could really be upset that everyone just left me the dishes, for heaven sake I am just getting over chemo and I probably over did it today. But guess what, that was my choice. I could of gone earlier in the day by myself, I could of left the dishes  and just clean up later. I could of done less during the day so I wasn’t so tired. That paint means nothing to anyone else in my family. I made my choice, I don’t get it for 1/2 off now, because of the choices I made. No one else’s.

One time I was sobbing as one of my children left me to go live with his dad. As he pulled away with all of his belongings, my heart hurt more than I could imagine, I told a friend that I wish I was her, single and never had children. Then my heart wouldn’t hurt so bad.

But I made the choice to have that child and with that choice there will be pain. My son died a year later and I have regrets because I was so hurt I didn’t really know how to have a relationship with him. He died before I could truly forgive him. That was my choice to be offended, it was my choice to have that child. We have things to work out in the afterlife and I believe it will be just fine. We will understand each other.  I know he loves me and without a shadow of a doubt I love him with all my heart.

Then another child left to live with his dad and it was a big surprise. He was ruthless and caught me off guard. It hurt, it hurt more than my heart could bear, but I did bear it and I made a different choice with this son, I have just loved him. I really had to put on my big girl pants to walk into his  new school and give him his 16 year birthday present . I just had to do everything I could to let him know that no matter what I loved him. We just have a understanding that we love each other. It has been a conscious choice.

I am not sure why I have had this cancer experience. One thing that I realize is that people die, people die that we love and we really need them. I think of my mom, being so sick and I thought she was going to die, over and over for years and years. She kept living and then she died and I was never ready for her to go.

I have had many loved ones die.  I feel like I have a whole bunch of people waiting for me in Heaven. I am not to afraid to die. But I do know that there are a few people that would miss me and they would really notice when they go to eat breakfast and the milk is on the table from the night before and after a couple of days the food on the table would start stinking. That is a joke because I know they would figure it out without me.

So, I believe that this cancer will not take me. I am getting stronger every day. We will know for sure on the 10th of December. But that doesn’t mean I will live a long life. Anything can happen and in a blink of an eye I could be gone. I am not sure if I did something that caused the cancer to grow all over inside my body, but I do have some ideas of what could of caused it. I take responsibility, it is my body and it could of been where I chose to live or possibly that I chose to have a surgery that went badly. It could be that I have chocolate every day of my life. I don’t know for sure, but I this is my life and I take responsibility.

I know I can not carry my load alone.  It reminds me of a guy getting stuck in the snow while going to go get wood. He was stuck and then he decided he mine as well just load the truck up with wood. After the truck was loaded with wood he started it up, put it in gear and it pulled right out.

These are like our burdens, our trials, our heartbreaks, they are our own load of wood, they make us who we are. Sometimes I mistakenly believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But a load is a necessary and essential part of my happiness. I need to make sure I don’t cary around too big of a load, like when my son left the first time, and then died. I blamed myself, I thought it was because I wasn’t a good mom, I wasn’t there to take care of him. But that isn’t it at all. My boys are grown boys and they made their choice, they broke my heart, but by staying with me, maybe they broke someone else’s heart? It is their lives and my job is to love them unconditionally.

When I started the I am a happy girl face book page it was to heal myself and hopefully help someone else. When I found out my body was filled with cancer, I said,”I don’t want to do the page any more” My eternal companion encouraged me even more to continue. I am so glad I have continued, it gives me strength. Some times I say to my husband,” I just need to cry, this happy girl  isn’t feeling very happy” He lets me cry and being sad and having a good cry, some how lightens my load and I carry on.

By choice I need to not carry around unnecessary loads of wood. Like the other day I had a scarry flashback from the past. It was ugly and I had the feeling someone was threatening my life. I was going deep into a dark hole. I took a little time to think about it, and reasoned with myself, and thought of my sweet, good husband that I have now. I am safe. I am loved.

I don’t know what my future holds, but I do know that I am never alone. My Savior Jesus Christ is beckoning me to rely upon Him and to pull together with Him, even though my best efforts are not equal to and cannot be compared with His. As we trust in, and pull our load with Him during the journey of life, He will help our burden be light.