What? Happy girl NOT happy?

Oh boy, this happy girl isn’t very happy. Well it isn’t an all day thing, more of a moment thing,  but the tears won’t quit coming. It is like you know you have to go into labor to have a baby, and you want the baby, but the pain to get the baby is terrifying.  I know to well what is coming tomorrow. Tomorrow is chemo day. I don’t like the deep vein IV, but it is better than getting poked ten times trying to get a vein. I don’t like how I feel afterwards and it has been getting worse every time.  This whole cancer thing is not fun, and I am VERY fond of FUN things, not so much not fun things. So I am going to push myself through these tears and think of twenty things that I am grateful that this cancer experience has taught me.

1. I have learned how to blog, otherswise I would have never sat still long enough to do this.
2. I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin. Even though I was before, but now it is more so. I have a lot more skin to show. I am a skin head.
3. I am learning how to tie scarfs around my head.
4. I have more compassion for my mother not feeling well and raising a family.
5. I have become re-acquainted with many friends.
6. I am grateful that I can crochet hats for others and bring them happiness.
7. I am grateful for unconditional love of my husband. I thought he loved me most for my hair, but he loves me, he just loves me.
8. I always said that I would NOT do chemo if I ever had cancer. Well here I am having chemo. I wanted to face this naturally.  I have been studying herbs and oils for years. I had 3 babies at home and we seldom went to the doctor. I was able to heal most childhood illnesses with the help of natural remedies.  But, I soon learned that Lymphoma is a very fast growing cancer. It was throughout my body from my head to my toes. It got to the point that it was in my throat and I couldn’t eat. The food wouldn’t go down. I felt as though I was 11 months pregnant and I was getting squished inside. We ended up starting chemo a few days before scheduled because it was growing so fast that if we had not started it when we did it was likely that I would have died. Chemo is killing the cancer, and I am grateful.
9.  Jim and I were standing out side and looking at our alfalfa grow one evening and he said,”We are going to go to Huntsman’s Cancer Institute, and they know what they are doing. They are going to heal you and kill this cancer.” I had an overwhelming feeling that this is what we were going to do, and what we were supposed to do. I am grateful for a strong husband who has inspiration for me when I am at a loss.
10. I am grateful for essential oils, they soothe the nausea, heal my skin,  help with digestion, and help get the cancer out of my body, help me sleep and much more.
11. I am so grateful for apples,  berries and fruit, that they are so good this time of year.
12. I am so grateful that I am healthy (other than the cancer) and that every single organ in my body does NOT have cancer. That is a blessing, a very big blessing.  I have a strong healthy body.
13. I am grateful I can take omega 3’s and my vitamins during this process. I feel that it helps my brain and gives me strength to keep going.
14. I am grateful for blessings and prayers. God is good and he is watching over me. People are good and so many are praying for me. I am grateful for all the prayers.
15. I am learning what is most important. Namely, my relationships with God,  with Jesus Christ, and with my family and friends.
16. I am learning to “let it go.”  When my feelings get hurt I have come to realize the other party doesn’t even know that they hurt my feelings and they may not care, and that is ok.  I am learning that everyone has their own struggles.
17. I have learned that it is my choice to live or die, today I chose to live.
18. I have learned not to pass out when I get poked with a needle.
19. I have learned to take a nap when needed.
20. I have learned that this life is a beautiful struggle.